I am travelling around the world with all the money behind my back,not a care in the world,beautiful,smart,dexterous in mind and hand of all things complex and most importantly independent and totally in control of all and everything.Beautiful places,enough charisma to impress the elite and poised,language of wordsworth and coleridge to redeem the bitterness of popian belligerence.At home with every culture and quick with the ways and manners of men,abreast of all happenings and known to every field of work and the same time with a halo of knowledge that transcends these limitations or the slavery that is a consequence of them.This is my imagination of the highest sort when it comes to what I want to be in life.My past is a shameful opposite defined by dependence of the most mean type,cowardliness,weakness,bratness,of complete lack of dignity and self respect balanced by charity and self defintion.I have encouraged the wrath and hate of most around me and have brought it to a state where even the ones at home expect no more than a troubless day from me.
Though my dreams are idealistic,my 'NOW' is daunting.The effort to keep alive is the most difficult in the world to pursue, from minute to minute.To be aware of yourself every moment is an impossibility except to the strong willed.Here I dont mean the selfish ego that brings attention to one's personality at times of embarrassment,misery or praise but that self awareness at the presence of which even intense grief seems separate from you.A few gain this after abject misery at the hands of nature and after being left with nothing more to lose.But a few get the honor of reaching there in this way.what about the rest of us?
when this becomes most conspicuous is when you have nothing to do and are free.this gives you the time to mull over a bit.Each passing minute will go by at the mercy of your utter helplessness at stopping it.So many thoughts haunt you,so many are remembered,so many regrets and that helplessness that underlies it all.
Beneath this layer as well, there is another that stays quite still and watches. unmoved,poised,calm,
without a ripple,conscious in the most intense way.This is the only state that seems common to all moods that the mind goes through.The state that has to just be.
what can be done to ever be aware of it and not be lost in everyday concerns?
what can be done to just be alive?
what should be done to just be?
The restlessness of youth and the mundanity that it exhorts is blinding and so limiting that something "large" in you is never given a chance.But the chance it asks for is risky and like "walking on the edge of a sword".It is literally killing yourself.Are we ready to do that when there is so much going on about "you" around you?is it possible to give up superfluity? and be content with seeking naked truth?
what about the others you are in awe of.what becomes of that?what about that you who everybody expects to see.what about a lot of firsts that come your way?
In the NOW is the answer.To never care a farth for anything but the now and live in it clutching its feet so as not to be at the mercy of anything else,so that even if death approaches it is in the now and becomes an experience by itself rather than a fear of the unknown.
Though my dreams are idealistic,my 'NOW' is daunting.The effort to keep alive is the most difficult in the world to pursue, from minute to minute.To be aware of yourself every moment is an impossibility except to the strong willed.Here I dont mean the selfish ego that brings attention to one's personality at times of embarrassment,misery or praise but that self awareness at the presence of which even intense grief seems separate from you.A few gain this after abject misery at the hands of nature and after being left with nothing more to lose.But a few get the honor of reaching there in this way.what about the rest of us?
when this becomes most conspicuous is when you have nothing to do and are free.this gives you the time to mull over a bit.Each passing minute will go by at the mercy of your utter helplessness at stopping it.So many thoughts haunt you,so many are remembered,so many regrets and that helplessness that underlies it all.
Beneath this layer as well, there is another that stays quite still and watches. unmoved,poised,calm,
without a ripple,conscious in the most intense way.This is the only state that seems common to all moods that the mind goes through.The state that has to just be.
what can be done to ever be aware of it and not be lost in everyday concerns?
what can be done to just be alive?
what should be done to just be?
The restlessness of youth and the mundanity that it exhorts is blinding and so limiting that something "large" in you is never given a chance.But the chance it asks for is risky and like "walking on the edge of a sword".It is literally killing yourself.Are we ready to do that when there is so much going on about "you" around you?is it possible to give up superfluity? and be content with seeking naked truth?
what about the others you are in awe of.what becomes of that?what about that you who everybody expects to see.what about a lot of firsts that come your way?
In the NOW is the answer.To never care a farth for anything but the now and live in it clutching its feet so as not to be at the mercy of anything else,so that even if death approaches it is in the now and becomes an experience by itself rather than a fear of the unknown.
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